In this modern, confusing, frustrating, even impossible dating scene, every guy is fighting for mere survival. Many people may take 30 failed talking stages and five situationships per “successful relationship,” which we all know only lasts a couple of weeks anyway. There is but only one explanation for the rise in this international wave of singleness: girls’ icks.
Icks are the little, “insignificant” things a person can do or see in others that cause an unredeemable reaction of repulsion. To an untrained dating amateur, icks might not seem like that big of a deal, but the scope and magnitude of this complex force are incomprehensible. Icks are vastly different from girl to girl, paradoxical, unpredictable and cannot be avoided by chance alone. If every ick was written out, the length would rival that of Santa’s lists. That is why a deliberate plan is an absolute necessity to have any shot at getting a second date.
That statement alone makes the big assumption that a first date has been secured already, which is likely the hardest part of beginning a relationship, but let’s go with it. Suppose you survive four months of forehead pictures: Where do you go? What do you wear? What do you do and talk about? Thankfully the first question may be one of the easiest. Studies indicate that bringing a girl to a “basic” restaurant like Olive Garden is a major ick because they are probably treated the same as every other girl, demonstrating a lack of effort. Some girls also dislike the outdoors because it’s either too hot, too cold or unpredictable weather could ruin carefully chosen outfits. Thus, only one obvious location remains valid: The International Space Station. This date spot is quite literally out of this world, the atmosphere within the station will never have unpredictable weather, and it shows your date you can treat them special.
Even with a perfect location, a guy’s clothing choice is crucial in making the right impression on how the date is perceived. If a guy is underdressed, it does not seem he is taking his date seriously. (Especially flip-flops. Huge ick.) If a guy overdresses, a girl will likely think that her outfit choice is too casual, which is borderline the worst-case scenario. From personal experience, I find that the Jurassic World Inflatable Dinosaur Costume works perfectly here. It provides you with a mysterious countenance, does not outdo the girl’s outfit no matter what she wears and shows your sense of humor. The only downside to this outfit is limited mobility which is why remaining at half inflation on the costume is the optimal balance between style, functionality and mobility.
What to do and talk about is where things get tricky. Conversation and body language can either be an individual’s weakness that makes the whole date fall apart or be the perfect opportunity for showing off your smooth moves. Beware that this is where some icks serve as major bullets needing to be dodged at all costs, so all actions must be taken with the utmost caution.
A reputable council of girls has provided us with the following biggest icks: When he doesn’t open the car door, when he talks too much about his sport, when he tries to be too forward on the first date, when he talks too much about his sport, when he thinks girls aren’t independent enough to open their door, when he won’t shut up about his sport, when he talks over you, when he’s visibly nervous and when he enjoys the date activity more than the person. So here’s the plan.
Picking up a girl in a doorless 1966 Ford Bronco solves the problem of whether or not to open her door, leaving no room for error. Tossing a younger sister in the back if possible would be ideal, as she would do enough talking for the three of you, further minimizing the risk of saying the wrong things. Finally, persistent aggression with BigMouths plastic Tiny Hands in addition to the T-rex inflatable gives you plausible deniability of being too forward with physical contact while being artfully flirty.
Girls icks are ever-changing and may outdate this guide within days. However, with flawless execution and a lot of luck, you may find yourself on a second date. Good luck, boys.
